When Pigs Fly

"The time has come," the Walrus said,” To talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing-wax of cabbages and kings and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings."

The Walrus and The Carpenter by: Lewis Carroll (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

There are many things through the years that people have discounted, as just fads, and they will never amount to anything.

"I'll never use this fax machine" I have no use for this.

"Cell phones are just a fad like CB Radio's” They will be gone in just a few years.

My favorite is Vic and the cordless phone.

"I have no use for this cordless phone” How much did it cost? Can we take it back?

When she first got one, she wasn't sure of its use. Because of the cost of being the "early adopter", (marketing term from my college days) she wanted to for sure take it back. I think this was my WOW gift for one year (see Car Starter Gone Bad)

After some prodding, she now wouldn't be without one. She has experienced conversational freedom. (this means she can talk and multi-task all at the same time) We now have more cordless phones than people to talk on them. With 900 MHZ, 2.something GHZ and now the new model 5.something GHZ, we are now state of the art.

The only time she doesn't like the phone is when the power goes out and they don't work.

Many people say, I will never use this, or I will own one of those __________ (fill in the blank). "when pigs fly".

Swine fly around my house a lot, and I think one is circling right now... Technology is dragging Vic from the 90's into the "00's" I've got to go!

Ambiance of the Chimnea

Vic has always liked fire. I'm not sure why, but I always thought I was the phyro of the family. (just asked my mom) Earlier in our marriage, for a romantic gift, I purchased a chimnea for our back deck. I had a choice of either a clay or cast iron. Not knowing why, I thought cast iron would last longer, and there is a break in period (for clay). This is to "season" the vessel so it wouldn't . Knowing what I know now, I think for once, I made the right decision.

Like anything you plug in or burn, I'm always leary when Vic gets involved or tries to operate. Vic has always liked the ambiance of low light in our back yard. We have had tiki lights, glass balls, and other things like fire pits. One night, Vic being the impatient one, she decided to help the slow burning fire along with a little torch fuel. She took the torch fuel, and poured the fuel down the top of the chimnea. After a fire ball went up about 10 feet, she was lucky that she didn't get the new type of haircut called the singed look!

From candles, to torch fuel. I'm keeping her away from the gas in the garage. This could be the second response to the fire chief after "candles" when our house burns down to the ground. (see "candles have be banned")

Directionally Challenged (Know Right from the Other Right)

I love my wife very much, and the comments have been, don't let her look stupid. In no way shape or form, do I think she is stupid. She amazes me every day with he ability to remember and multi task on so many different levels. And to top it off, she can process feelings while doing all these different task. She is smart, in a practical type of way.

Directions have always been a problem for Vic. I always joke about living in Michigan, because you can't get too lost. If you drive in 3 directions, you can only go so far until you run into water! When directions are needed, Vic usually gives me the phone to decipher the directions. I just shake my head when I see her try to get directions to some of her friends.

One time, early in our marriage, Vic and Ron (our son) visited my family in Manchester. This was in the Summer, and I didn't go because of work. After having a nice visit, My Mom directed her on how to get home, you need to turn left out of the driveway. My Mom and Bev (My Sister-in-Law) just started laughing as she turned to the right out of the driveway and started home. My Mom said "Don't worry, she will come back around." and sure enough, she waived as she passed by in the other direction.

Another time I told her to turn right, and as she turned left, I said you need to use your other right. Also, I say "correct" instead of "right" to confirm a direction.

It's always fun going with her to places that we don't know the path. Life that way for us as we muddle along. Some day we will know right is right, or is that correct?

Refresh This! (Tech or Non Tech)

Vic, like I've said before, is on the opposite end of technology. When they describe her and I, it seems to be the Jetsons meets the Flintstones. I'm the tech guy, and she's Wilma. Enough said.

Ashleigh was telling this story, which I heard second hand, that Vic was on the internet trying load a web page. For some reason, the page wouldn't load, and Vic asked Ashleigh for help.

Ashleigh is my semi tech, semi artist, semi minimalist daughter. She is like van Gogh meets Bill Gates. She has decided to take on the world of art at Kendal School of Art and Design, in Grand Rapids. She aspires to be a Graphic somthing, and I just hope she can find a good job some day.

Well back to the story, Ashleigh likes to give her Mom a hard time, so she told her, "pay me and I will help you." Vic got more and more frustrated, and finally Ashleigh blurted out, "Hit the refresh button!"

Well, this seems to be a mistake most of the time on the computer, because Vic needs the visual senses vs. verbal learning. Vic was in tears with furstation, and Ashleigh finally looked over and tried to help her. Vic yelled out, "I can't find it anywhere!!" Ash looked over her shoulder and Vic was looking all over the keyboard, and could not find the key!

Now, at this point you are either laughing hysterically, or you are saying "I don't get it?". This means your either a Jetson, or a Flintstone. You know who you are! Now you can laugh.

Candles Have Been Banned

Candles spillage seems to be a common happening around our house. Vic loves candles, and goes out of her way to purchase, burn or smell everyone in every store. I think she goes to garage sales to pick them up. I've banned the purchase of candles, and I almost went nuts when she got invited to candle party.

I've come home and found candles burning, and no one was home. I will not be surprised if one day I come home and our house has burned to the ground. I'll look at the fire chief, and say "candle".

Vic has burned candles under shelves and almost started fires when the shelf either melted (plastic) or started to look like charcoal. In our front hallway, a candle gave out and the wax ran down the table, on the wall, on the trim, and on the wood flooring. Oops, didn't expect that river of wax to go this far?

At Halloween, she burned a candle under our new cupboard door, and she spent days trying to hide the black spot the size of a quarter on the door. This will go under the "Don't tell Tom Chapter" or "Delay letting Tom know so the impact is less."

Waxing eloquently is not my trait, but Vic will probably end up in a wax museum in England or somewhere. Watch the wax, and if I'm homeless, you will know why.

Dog Days

Vic has always been a dog lover. Her first dog was a Husky, and there are many stories of small lap dogs from her childhood. Vic's mom had a Shitzu, which I think is the type you should use as mops more than dog. Each to his own.

We live in Spring lake, Michigan. Just to the south of us, "over the bridge" is Grand Haven. Every year in August, we have the coast guard festival. This brings in all types, as they invade our small town for the first 2 weeks in August. Its a great time, lots to do with fam.

On the weekend, we were walking down by the waterfront, and happened upon a very large dog. If you don't know my wife, she is very approachable, and will make conversation with anyone. (I think I saw her talking to a tree once.) She talked to the owner on the boardwalk, and all we saw was him giving her a funny look and saying "No". Bev, my sister-in-law started laughing hysterically and said, "Did you know that a Mastodon was a dinosaur, and that dog is called a Mastiff!"

Vic likes animal planet, and watches breed all about it. I think she missed that show. Dog days come and go, but this one always get a good laugh with family and friends.

On the Road with Food (Part zillion)

Vic loves to eat out and experience all types of food. She normally makes stuff so hot, that I can't touch it with my tongue without calling the fire department. Yesterday she told me of this story. Now that she has the car starter figured out, she's mobile!

The girls from work, aka "Lunch Ladies" decided to go out for breakfast. They have 2 weeks off for Christmas break, and they are all enjoying the time off. It seems they can't get enough of each other, so they need to meet to ketchup (pun) with happenings.

After the breakfast, Vic put her leftovers on the top of the car. You know what happened next. The food hit the road and She kept on going. Brenda, a dear friend, just had major surgery, was riding with her and noticed the miss-hap. Vic said "no problem" and circled around to scoop up the food on the next pass. I don't think she even left her seat and scooped it up on the fly. This could be another urban legend. Brenda started laughing so hard she thought she might bust a gut or stitches when Vic did this.

This is just another example of "food on the run" or "adventures with Vic's driving".

Car Starter gone bad

Christmas gifts have always been fun for me, because I tend to go overboard with gifts for Vic. This sometimes is my way of making up for lack of gifts during the year. (yah you do it also, don't think I'm the only one!)

This year I decided to get Vic a car starter. I told her I was going to get the starter, then came up with a lame excuse, like they had to order a part from Japan, because the car is to old, which she fell for right away. The car starter was installed, and they hid everything that Vic would notice out of the way. The antenna was hidden in the headliner, which was the biggest issue. The only place the starter would be noticed was under the hood(with a sticker), which I assured them she would never goto between now and forever. OK, I lied, so what, it worked for the WOW effect on Christmas morning. I always have a WOW gift, which usually the best gift for Christmas. To Vic, the WOW gift is always responded by, how much did it cost?, and can I take it back?

This one was that couldn't go back. I hid the receipt, and used the company credit card for the purchase.

Well with technology and Vic, there seems to be a great divide. After three incidents with her and the starter, I was wondering if I should take the stupid thing back.

1-Car would not start. didn't train her to push the break to de-activate the system.
2-Tried to drive off without putting the key into the ignition and putting it into the started position.
3-Stalled the car and forgot to put it back in park to restart, and blamed it on the starter.

I love my wife so much, but she doesn't do well with technology.

There are many other things that give her difficulties, but this one was because I felt she needed a warm car in the Winter and one power lock.